Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
