It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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