I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
