So drunk its hurt
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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