Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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