It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
