I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
