we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I smell like Dick and happiness
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