my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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