I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
