Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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