Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
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I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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