Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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