I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
