Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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