Don't make out with my wife yet
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
