I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Randomize
