you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
