So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
