nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
