So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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