1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
