I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
