Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
okay pat passed out under dana's car
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
