i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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