He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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