And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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