What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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