Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
