you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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