I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
