I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Damn victory sex feels great
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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