1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
