I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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