I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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