Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
