I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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