This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
