Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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