does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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