The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
