how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
