Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
