Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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