I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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