I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I love you. Go after that dick
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
