You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
