So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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