I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
