i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You're a disaster
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