Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Sext me about skeletons
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
