i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
