i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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