Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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