It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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