Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize