dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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