paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
