every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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