The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
