I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
