6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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