where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
