I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's never too late to be topless.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize